L'armée des Ténèbres
by Jess13
Summary: Monty Python & The Holy Grail/Army of Darkness crossover...Ash inadvertently helps Arthur and the knights in their search for the Holy Grail (a work in progress, please R&R!)
1. Default Chapter

L'armée des Ténèbres (aka Your Mother Was a Hamster!)  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Archive: Anywhere, just tell me where it's going and keep my name on it.  
  
Subjects: Army of Darkness, Monty Python, parody, humor  
  
Summary: Ash travels back to the Middle Ages and inadvertently ends up helping King Arthur and the knights find the Holy Grail.  
  
Disclaimer: I am making no money off of this. The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd., and Sam and Ivan Raimi. This story is copyrighted December, 2002 and may only be used with the expressed permission of the author.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
(Our story begins with a shot of a man lying face down on dusty ground in the middle of a field. As the camera pulls back, we see a '73 Oldsmobile Delta 88 sitting near him. He lifts his head slowly and groans. Obviously he has taken quite a nasty fall. The camera zooms in on his face, and we hear a voice)  
  
My name is Ash, and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. Close as I can figure it, or so the opening titles of the movie tell me, the year is 932 A.D. I'm surrounded by a bunch of guys who look like they came straight out of a ren fest, and boy have they got funny ideas. For one thing, they've got a rodent with a nasty disposition guarding their castle. It feels like some surreal dream. I keep thinking I'll wake up any minute and be back with my girlfriend, Linda...or back at S-Mart's cozy Housewares department.........damn, it's not working.  
  
It was the book that brought me here, the Necronomicon ex Mortis, or Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, it contains ancient Sumerian texts like bizarre burial rituals and demon resurrections. Supposedly it also contains clues on the whereabouts of the Holy Grail, the cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper, but if you ask me I think it's a bunch of hogwash. Apparently these guys don't think so, though. Well, you're probably sitting here all antsy and waiting for the actual story to begin, so I'll shut up now. Just thought I'd give you a little background information, baby.  
  
"For God's sake, how do you stop it??" Ash yelled as the vortex was pulling him in further and further. He hung onto the door of the cabin as tightly as he could, but the force was clearly winning out. Ash shut his eyes tightly as his strength finally gave out and he plummeted through the deep, dark vortex...  
  
BOOM!!  
  
A bright though somewhat overcast sky suddenly appeared in front of Ash's eyes as he had apparently ended his journey through the vortex. His Delta 88 hit the ground in what appeared to be an open field. Though his fall was quick, he managed to catch a glimpse of a large medieval castle out in front. He hit the ground headfirst with a loud thud and groaned.  
  
"Where the hell am I?..." he muttered, dazed.  
  
As he started rubbing the back of his head he heard, almost as if in answer to his question, what sounded like hoofbeats. He lifted his head slightly and could make out two legs covered in medieval armour. He grunted as he tried to stand up.  
  
Standing in front of him was a man in a rusty gold colored chainmail, a white tunic with a large mustachioed sun emblem, and a gold crown atop his head. Ash narrowed his eyes as he noticed the man had not ridden up to him on a horse, but instead had a short servant standing next to him, holding two coconut halves.  
  
He turned his head and noticed there were three others standing around him, practically having him surrounded. They all looked at him curiously.  
  
Ash bit his lip nervously as he rose unsteadily to his feet and looked from one knight to the other. "Uh...look, guys, I don't mean any trouble or anything. I have no idea how I got here and I..."  
  
A knight with a green-checkered tunic, long red hair and a mustache walked over to Ash's Delta 88 and stared at it quizzically.  
  
"What sort of armour is that?" he asked.  
  
Another knight with a red cross on his tunic and longish brown hair answered him back...  
  
"Don't know. Whatever it is, it's a good thing Lancelot isn't here. He'd hack it to bits."  
  
The king figure turned his head sharply in their direction. "I told you not to mention him!!" he spat out at the two knights, who gave him shame- faced looks in return. Apparently, this knight had left after becoming disgusted by the meager progress of their quest. Now he was in competition with them to find what they were after.  
  
"Uh...l-look, if this isn't a good time, I can just..." Ash spoke up.  
  
He stopped as all the knights and the king turned and faced him in unison.  
  
"Bedevere?" the king called out to his wise trusted knight.  
  
A knight with a blue and white tunic and a strange-looking helmet on his head stepped forward.  
  
"Yes, my liege?"  
  
"What do you make of this stranger?"  
  
Bedevere narrowed his eyes as he looked Ash over. As he noticed the glint off the chainsaw fastened to the stump of Ash's hand, his eyes widened.  
  
"My liege! He is the one prophesized to fall from the sky to aid us in our quest, leading us to the Grail and deposing the Evil Ones!" he exclaimed excitedly.  
  
Ash looked at Bedevere and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, no, pal. You've got that all wrong. I'm not prophesized to do diddly squat for you. I'm just an ordinary guy, got it, birdcage head?"  
  
"Hmm, I think not," the king answered suspiciously. "From the looks of him I'd say he's one of Lancelot's men. We shall annihilate him at once!!"  
  
"Er...yes, my liege," Bedevere replied reluctantly.  
  
Me and my big mouth, Ash thought to himself.  
  
***********************************************  
  
On the king's orders, two servants removed their gear and hoisted Ash up onto their shoulders, leading him through the gates of the castle courtyard. It seemed quite large and there even appeared to be a small cave on the far east end. The servants led him to the mouth of the cave where the king and his knights were waiting.  
  
Ash glared at the king. "Who are you?" he panted as the servants set him down and restrained him.  
  
"I am Arthur, King of the Britons!" the king declared. "Son of Uthur Pendragon, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!"  
  
"Uh-huh," Ash muttered sarcastically. "I thought you were a legend. So where did I land, in a storybook?'  
  
Arthur's eyes widened and he drew his sword.  
  
At that moment, a young woman ran out of the castle gates and down toward the courtyard.  
  
"M'lord?" she called.  
  
Ash turned around as best he could under the servants' restraint. She was a very beautiful looking woman with long golden blonde hair, though she was dressed quite chastily in white.  
  
"Zoot!" Arthur exclaimed, a bit surprised. "What are you doing out here?"  
  
"I..." she started. At that moment she turned toward the knight with the red cross on his tunic and smiled in a flirting way.  
  
"Hello, Galahad," she addressed him.  
  
The knight blushed and smiled shyly.  
  
"Zoot..." he nodded.  
  
Arthur grew impatient. "We don't have time for this now! Zoot, what brings you here?"  
  
"I was wondering if there was any news on Sir Bors...if he had any success in attaining the Grail."  
  
Galahad turned toward her with wide eyes and flashed a hurt expression.  
  
Arthur sighed deeply. "Yes, I'm afraid. He was hacked to bits by Sir Lancelot, as his friend here might know..." He said emphatically while giving Ash a cold look.  
  
"What??" Ash said in disbelief.  
  
Zoot locked eyes with him. She walked up to him rather slowly and purposefully, her face quite expressionless. Ash couldn't help but gaze at her beauty. She walked up to him until she was but a few inches away. A sweet smile formed on her face. Ash, a bit surprised at first, smiled back at her.  
  
And she kicked him in the shins. Hard.  
  
"Yeeeoowwww!!!! Hey look, lady, I didn't do anything!" he yelled, hopping up and down.  
  
"Thanks to you, I now have nothing to do on Friday eves!" she spit at him. Galahad shot another hurtful look at her.  
  
"Lead him into the cave and release the bunny!!" Arthur yelled.  
  
"But...but you have to understand! I've never seen this Lancelot asshole before!" Ash yelled desperately as the servants began to lead him into the cave. There they set him down in a small enclosure and tied his arms back so he couldn't escape.  
  
"You miserable bastards!!" Ash cried out as he struggled to free himself.  
  
Bedevere approached with a small cage containing what appeared to be a harmless little white bunny. He handed it to Arthur's page who carried it into the depths of the cage. As he reached Ash, he carefully opened the door to the cage and fled in a hurry.  
  
Ash looked at him curiously as he ran out of the cave.  
  
"What the hell is his problem?" he muttered to himself. "It's just a harmless little..."  
  
**************************************** 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
Ash blinked as the little white cottontail rabbit wiggled its nose and took a few short hops forward.  
  
"So this is the ferocious, wild animal they've got guarding this thing," he muttered. " God, these guys wouldn't know terror if it bit them in the ass- "  
  
Suddenly, the rabbit locked him in a piercing stare and its mouth slowly opened to reveal a set of long, sharp fangs. It hissed loudly at him.  
  
Ash's eyes widened and he unsteadily rose to his feet, trying to wriggle his arms free. The rabbit edged up closer to him.  
  
Without warning, it leaped in the air and landed on top of him, attempting to sink its teeth into his neck. Ash cried out in pain and shut his eyes tightly, rolling about on the ground in an attempt to dislodge the rabbit from his shoulder.  
  
"AHH!! Get off me, you insane little bastard!!" he yelled.  
  
Outside the knights waited, getting an earful of his struggle. Arthur stood waiting with a stoic look on his face, hoping that the killer beast, which had once been their enemy, would vanquish the troublemaker once and for all.  
  
"Go on!! Tear him a new arse!!" Zoot finally yelled.  
  
Arthur and the knights turned to face her with wide-eyed expressions.  
  
"Er...um..." she blushed.  
  
Ash opened his eyes, only to find that the rabbit had retreated, though it was still hissing at him menacingly. There was no way it could be finished with him.  
  
"Genetic engineering gone horribly wrong..." Ash remarked dryly.  
  
It leaped up toward him when Ash, thinking quickly, turned his back toward the rabbit with his arms thrust out in back of him. The little rodent missed its mark, and instead tore through the ropes which bound him, setting Ash free.  
  
He quickly reached for his chainsaw, which had fallen to the ground when the knights initially dropped him in the cave. He shoved the stub of his left hand into the housing he had built for the chainsaw. Pulling the chain, the saw burst to life.  
  
"HA HA!!" he yelled at the creature, his eyes lit up and a huge grin on his face. "You're going down!!"  
  
As the rabbit leaped toward him, Ash held the chainsaw out in front of him.  
  
"Oh, shit..." it squeaked in a tiny voice. Blood splattered up into Ash's face as the rabbit was messily dismembered.  
  
*******************************************  
  
Outside, Arthur and the knights heard the roar of the chainsaw.  
  
"What's all that noise?" Arthur asked, suddenly a bit worried that the rabbit might be in danger.  
  
"Er...perhaps he encountered a wolf or a bear?" Galahad offered.  
  
"Oh, great," Robin said with a tone of impending doom as he wet himself.  
  
"Hmm..." Bedevere mused. "Perhaps the strange one's bodily humors became imbalanced, and he changed himself into some sort of animal-like form?"  
  
Arthur looked back at him and furrowed his brow in confusion.  
  
"You've got to be kidding."  
  
Bedevere fixed him with a glare.  
  
"Well, whatever is going on in there...he better not make it out alive. My love toy's death must be avenged," Zoot huffed.  
  
Galahad faced her with another hurtful expression, which Zoot pointedly ignored.  
  
Suddenly, all became quiet. The group directed their attention to the mouth of the cave and a panting Ash staggered out, his face bloodied. They all looked at him with wide eyes.  
  
He marched right up to Arthur and fixed him with an angry stare. Finally he looked down, pointing to the armour covering Arthur's arms.  
  
"You know, the silver spraypaint on your knitted wool jammies is beginning to flake off," he remarked.  
  
Arthur looked down at his arms for a moment as Ash punched him in the face. Arthur tumbled to the ground as the knights and Zoot eyed Ash fearfully. Trembling, they all stepped back from him as Arthur struggled his feet.  
  
"Alright... who wants some?? Huh??" he panted, pointing an accusing finger at them.  
  
The knights stood trembling, staring wide-eyed at him. Zoot clung to Galahad fearfully, and just for a moment Galahad rolled his eyes at her.  
  
Ash spotted Robin shaking just a bit more than the others, his knees knocking and his teeth chattering. A grin spread across Ash's face as he walked up to him.  
  
"You!" he pointed to Robin. Robin's eyes bugged out in terror.  
  
"You want some? Huh??" Ash said in a creepy, condescending tone.  
  
Robin shook his head forcefully. Ash was about to slug him when Robin messed himself again. Ash wrinkled his nose in disgust.  
  
"You know, Kaopectate works wonders," he sneered.  
  
Robin furrowed his brow in confusion as the other knights began slowly backing away from him.  
  
"Alright, now listen up, you primitive screwheads!" Ash raised his voice.  
  
Arthur and the knights stared at him.  
  
Ash lowered his voice slightly. "I don't know what I'm doing here. I've had one hell of a time...it took my girlfriend, it got into me, and now it brought me here. On top of all that, I was nearly dismembered by that screwy little rodent. I haven't had a good day."  
  
The knights looked at one another.  
  
"But the next time one of you monkeys even TOUCHES me..." he shouted.  
  
Suddenly, he was cut off as a huge, green cartoon monster came to life from the mouth of the cave and made its way toward them, roaring menacingly. And this time the animator had had a pacemaker put in, so waiting for the awful thing to vanish into thin air simply wouldn't work. Arthur and his knights became panicky.  
  
Ash grabbed at the large shotgun at his side and quickly fired three rounds at the Black Beast of Arrrrrgggh.  
  
"Aggggghhhhh!!!" the animator screamed as the bullets pierced him. He slumped down on his drawing board, and the cartoon peril vanished. Ash furrowed his brow in confusion.  
  
Arthur and the knights cheered, as the beast had finally been vanquished. Ash twirled his gun in the air and set it back in his holster.  
  
"What skill! You certainly know how to work that strange bow-and-arrow you've got there!" Arthur exclaimed, impressed.  
  
Ash narrowed his eyes and nodded.  
  
"Now...let's talk about how I get home," he said boldly.  
  
****************  
  
Chapter 3 coming soon! 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
Ash laid back inside the main quarters of the castle and smiled as he accepted the grapes which Bedevere was feeding him. On each side of him stood Galahad and Robin who were fanning him. Arthur stood watching him and wincing just a bit as Ash belched a few times.  
  
Ash shut his eyes and tilted his head back, taking in the refreshing breeze. "Oh yeah, baby, that's it. Just a little more," he said in a sutry voice as he turned his head toward Galahad.  
  
Galahad stopped and raised an eyebrow.  
  
Ash opened his eyes. "Oh, that's right, you're a guy...sorry," he said nonchalantly.  
  
Galahad stared at him with wide eyes, appearing just a bit insulted as if he were saying, "well, I should hope so!" He resumed the fanning.  
  
Robin looked over at him. "I don't know why we have to do this. It's not as if he's a god or something," he said to Galahad in a sharp whisper.  
  
"Just keep fanning, fan-boy!" Ash said arrogantly. Robin froze and broke out in a cold sweat, realizing that Ash had heard him. Galahad rolled his eyes.  
  
"Any word from the Enchanter, sire?" Bedevere asked, turning his head toward Arthur.  
  
Arthur nodded.  
  
"He appeared most excited on learning of our...visitor."  
  
He turned his head and looked grimly at Ash who by this time had started on a rack of lamb and was feasting on it gluttonously.  
  
He stopped in mid-chew and looked up as he noticed Arthur staring at him.  
  
"What?" he exclaimed.  
  
Arthur turned back to Bedevere.  
  
"The Enchanter will be paying us a visit. He left Rheged early this morn, thus he should be arriving shortly."  
  
Bedevere nodded.  
  
Ash finished his meal, then in absence of a napkin, he wiped his mouth on Robin's tunic.  
  
"Hey!" Robin protested.  
  
"What the hell is your problem? It blends in with all the other stains you've got on there," Ash remarked frankly as he pointed to Robin's soiled tunic.  
  
Robin said not a word, but blushed deeply.  
  
Ash threw his hands up.  
  
"Okay," he began. "I've wined and dined and all that jazz. Now, who is this Enchanter and what does he have to do with me?"  
  
"He is the wisest man in these parts!" Arthur exclaimed.  
  
"And not only that, but he is one of the very few who have actually seen the Grail," Bedevere smiled.  
  
Ash looked at him and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Really..." he began incredulously. "But I thought the legend said that you couldn't look upon that thing and live. So is this guy immortal or something?"  
  
Bedevere lifted up the grating on his helmet and furrowed his brow in confusion.  
  
"Er...no. He's a mortal, like all of us," he said quietly.  
  
"Hey, no offense pal, but I think this 'Enchanter' is pullin' your chain," Ash smirked. "Either that, or he's..." He twirled his index finger around his head, making the "crazy" sign.  
  
"...if you know what I mean."  
  
Bedevere narrowed his eyes, then just turned and shrugged.  
  
"Well, I'll tell ya something," Ash continued, still not aware that Bedevere had walked away. "As long as he can send me home, he's good in my book."  
  
*************************************************  
  
Ash turned as he noticed a woman entering the chamber out of the corner of his eye. She appeared to have her head down as if she were ashamed.  
  
It was Zoot, the gorgeous-looking woman who just earlier had kicked him and wished him dead. Ash rolled his eyes as she approached him.  
  
"Good stranger," she began. "I pray thee forgive me of what I have done. I thought thee one of Lancelot's men. I am not even worthy to occupy the same space as you."  
  
She lowered her head in shame, though lifted it slightly, hoping he'd forgive her.  
  
She didn't notice Sir Galahad giving her the hurtful look.  
  
Ash snorted. "First you want me dead, now you want me in bed," he sneered.  
  
Zoot narrowed her eyes.  
  
"Take a hike," Ash sneered, gesturing with his thumb to the main door.  
  
Her face fell and she slowly walked away from him. A broad grin spread across Galahad's face and he sighed happily.  
  
As Zoot rest her hand upon the door and was about to exit, Galahad crossed the room until he was directly in front of her.  
  
"Zoot?"  
  
She turned around and looked up at him with her doe eyes.  
  
"Shall I see you tonight?" he smiled slyly.  
  
Zoot appeared a bit disappointed, but she looked up at the knight and gave him a half smile.  
  
"I'll think about it," she said softly. With that she exited the room and Galahad stood there, crossing his fingers. He looked up and blushed as he noticed Ash sitting there looking at him amusedly.  
  
Just then, Bedevere re-entered the chamber excitedly.  
  
"My liege, the Enchanter has arrived!" he proclaimed.  
  
*******************************************************  
  
Arthur's servant Patsy sounded the horn in anticipation of the Enchanter's arrival. The knights stopped what they were doing and directed their attention to the door.  
  
Ash sat up and noticed a tall figure entering the chamber. He had long, flowing, tattered robes and a long, gray beard and mustache. A helmet with ram horns adorned his head, and he carried a long staff with him.  
  
Ash looked the eccentric figure up and down and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Ah, Tim! Wonderful to see you again," Arthur declared.  
  
The Enchanter nodded.  
  
"Ach, now where's the Promised One?" he asked in a thick Scottish accent.  
  
Bedevere pointed to Ash.  
  
The Enchanter's eyes lit up and he slowly walked over to Ash.  
  
"Ahhhhh..." he uttered in a soft raspy tone, quite impressed by the stranger.  
  
"Well, look at Mister Fancy Pants here," Ash sneered. The Enchanter ignored him.  
  
Ash's face softened when he realized this was the person who might be his only hope in returning home.  
  
"Don't think I caught the name, pal."  
  
"There are some who call me...... Tim?" he answered.  
  
Ash nodded. "Ah. Tim..... Ash." he extended his hand.  
  
Tim merely stared at him.  
  
Ash furrowed his brow in confusion, then shrugged and drew his hand back.  
  
"Greetings, Strange One!" Tim proclaimed, getting spit all over Ash's face.  
  
Ash winced and wiped his face with the back of his hand.  
  
"Geez! Say it, don't spray it, huh?"  
  
Tim's eyes narrowed as he looked down at the chainsaw fashioned to Ash's arm.  
  
"So what's the deal, can you send me back or what?" Ash asked impatiently.  
  
"Aye," Tim nodded. "I can send ye back, but my powers to do so are useless without one main object," he said emphatically.  
  
Ash wiped more spit out of his eyes and looked up at Tim.  
  
"And what the hell might that be?" Ash said quietly, though losing his patience more by the minute.  
  
"The Necronomicon," Tim answered boldly. "Within its passages holds the power which can transport you back to your own time."  
  
Ash's eyes widened. It was the very book which had caused him trouble in the first place.  
  
"What???" he said disbelievably.  
  
Bedevere stepped forward. "Yes, the Necronomicon, an unholy book which we require as well. It contains information on the exact whereabouts of the Holy Grail. Only you, the one who has been prophesized to aid us on our Quest, can search for it."  
  
Ash finally lost it. "Look, I don't want your book, I don't want your Grail, I don't need this bullshit. All I want to do is go home. Now. This second..."  
  
He was interrupted as he noticed a large cauldron had been tipped over, spilling its contents. The old crone who had been stirring the mead had her back to the room.  
  
Suddenly, she spun around and her eyes appeared blank. Her mouth opened widely, revealing a set of rotting teeth.  
  
"YOU SHALL DIE!!!" she shrieked.  
  
Arthur and the knights' eyes widened in terror as they frantically backed away from her.  
  
She rose up in the air and jerked around, like a marionette.  
  
"YOU WILL NEVER OBTAIN THE NECRONOMICON!! YOU WILL NEVER OBTAIN THE HOLY GRAIL!!" she shrieked again.  
  
"WE SHALL FEAST UPON YOUR SOOOOOOOOULLLLLLL....."  
  
Suddenly she became quiet and dropped to the floor. As she lie still, Arthur cautiously tiptoed up to her and went to lay a hand on her.  
  
Ash rushed up to stop him.  
  
"No, don't, it's a trick," he warned Arthur earnestly. "Get an axe. Or a sword. Anything."  
  
Arthur turned around, but slightly in midstep the possessed old crone awakened with a fury. She rose sharply and began punching Arthur in the face.  
  
Bedevere tried to apprehend her, but she grabbed the cauldron and splashed the mead all over him.  
  
"AHHH!!! My face, my face!!" he cried melodramatically.  
  
Robin hid in the corner behind a suit of armor, whimpering.  
  
Galahad raised his sword, but the crone flipped herself up in the air and over the knight's head. She was about to strike him when the loud boom of a shotgun made her stop and direct her attention toward the back of the room.  
  
Ash stood silently, aiming his shotgun squarely at the crone.  
  
"Yo, she-bitch. Let's go, you and me." He reloaded the gun.  
  
The old crone opened her mouth and hissed loudly at him. She advanced toward him and began fighting him with a series of punches. Ash rammed her in the face with the butt of his shotgun.  
  
Finally, she flipped herself up in the air and landed right behind Ash.  
  
BOOM!!  
  
Ash fired one bullet from behind, resting the shotgun on his back.  
  
The crone staggered and convulsed as she was hit, then collapsed to the ground where she died. Ash blew the smoke at the end of the gun. Arthur and the knights stared down at the crone, then back at each other with wide eyes.  
  
Tim immediately rushed up to him.  
  
"Don't you see?? If we do not have this book in our possession, we will be consumed by this evil! All that will await us is DEATH with nasty big pointy teeth!!"  
  
Ash winced as he was hit in the face with more spit.  
  
"Sheesh, does anyone have an umbrella around here?"  
  
He looked back up at Tim who was eyeing him seriously. Arthur and the other knights stepped up to him.  
  
"Now wilt thou quest for the book??"  
  
********************************************  
  
Chapter 4 coming soon! 


End file.
